I do Pros and Cons

Okay, my therapist has been teaching me to draw out 4 different boxes representing the pros and cons of doing something he says is skillful, like calling him when I’m really suicidal, or the pros and cons of doing the kind of thing I have usually done in the past. He claims that it’s worth the trouble of doing all four options, and I guess I have seen a couple of things pop out when you do it that way, so maybe I’ll do it that way now.

Fuck, I hate having to think about all this when I feel so bad. Maybe I ought to just go find Tina’s pills. Well, I’ll try this for a minute or two, and then I can go get the pills.

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Okay, advantages of calling Michael:

I said I would.

I like talking to him – he’s funny and I can tell he cares about me.

I might feel better.

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Disadvantages of calling Michael:

It’s 10 pm; he might be mad.

He might talk me out of killing myself.

I might feel worse.

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Advantages of taking Tina’s pills:

If I die, maybe Cheryl will know she’s a bitch.

I won’t feel like this.

I won’t be a burden to anyone anymore.

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Disadvantages of taking Tina’s pills:

3 suicide attempts have failed; I always feel worse afterwards.

My mom would feel bad if I die.

Who will take care of my cat? I’m not going to let Cheryl get her!!

What if there’s a Hell? (Michael says he doubts there’s a Hell, but we might be stuck with the same problems in our next lifetime.)

Assuming I don’t die, the DBT 24 Hour Rule* says I can’t talk to Michael till Wednesday night.

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Shit Fuck!! I still feel like crap and wish I was dead, but as I look at this list it’s hard to believe that I would even do a decent suicide. I’d probably just end up in the hospital again, with liver damage on top of everything else that is completely fucked up. I think I’ll call Michael – he did say I could call anytime if I really need to.

IT’S YOUR CHOICE – What will I do?

Call my fucking therapist!

You really want me to look for Tina’s pills!

*24 Hour Rule: In order to avoid reinforcing self-harm behaviors, DBT protocol forbids the therapist to discuss anything with a client for 24 hours after self-harm behavior, except for helping the client get to the hospital if necessary.

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